finding a balance

How apropos. Finding balance when I feel like I'm balancing on a see saw. Up and down it goes.

Anyway, topic for tonight is finding balance in advice-giving. I have to be careful because I can't give legal advice, not being a lawyer, but often my advice sounds legalistic and could be misinterpreted. I have added a disclaimer to my signature line on my favorite forums, that whatever advice I give is not legal. One of the lawyers on the board applauded this move. I was at first offended, but realized she didn't mean to give offense, and was more validating that I had made a good decision, so I un-offended myself and responded politely and respectfully. I've been on a terror with getting offended lately, I need to rein that in.

I've been feeling mood swings, ever so mild, but still present. I talked to my doc about it and she equated the medication to brakes on a car. If I'm out in West Texas, I can go as slow or as fast as I like, but I can do it with brakes on rather than out-of-control. In other words, I'll still feel the mood swings, but I'll be able to control myself. The mood swings are just part of who I am. I am hopefully going to learn to channel those mood swings a bit. I don't know how, but she said I could and I believe her.

Well ... I'm typing with my eyes closed. I think that's a sign that I need to go to bed.

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tough decisions, right decisions

Ever have to make a tough decision, but once it's made you feel great? That's how I feel about my recent break-up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I wanted more and he wasn't ready to give more, so we mutually decided to end the relationship.

Now I feel free, clear-headed, and ready to move on and refocus. I even cleaned my house a little, got the dining room table clear and the kitchen cleaned up. It just feels right. I'm not even that upset, though I do already miss the daily phone calls and text messages. Even if sometimes they felt burdensome, it was nice to have someone with whom I could discuss the day.

He says he wants to re-evaluate after finals, but I'm not holding out hope that he'll be ready for engagement and family commitments after just a month of missing me. I'm really ready after 2 years to move into engagement and talks of weddings and futures, he just isn't ready to be a family man. We were just moving in two different directions, and it was time to separate our paths rather than try to walk along together, each pulling on the other.

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My introduction to the legal community

It's not going well. My first conversation with opposing counsel, I had to ask him not to yell at me because he was almost shouting into the phone. He, in his raised tone, said "I'M NOT YELLING AT YOU" and "I don't mean to be a jerk, but ..." finish the sentence as you please. It was certainly not a fun phone call.

My second experience with opposing counsel happened today. She was all sugary-sweetness but completely condescending. She started the conversation by telling me I was wrong in my conclusions, that I needed to do more research, that I should call the judge and talk to him, and I should talk to my supervising attorney. As if I hadn't done all of that already. Whatevs! (I'm on purpose using an annoying, slangy, teenage term too, because that's all she deserved after that crap call). My supervising attorney and I are going to call her tomorrow to discuss further how we can resolve this issue without having to go before the judge. But if she thinks I'm so far off, and I think that the other side is so far off, both of us have different goals for our clients, so I doubt this will happen without arguing to a judge. It will be a good experience for me, I suppose, and I might just lose, but then again I might just win.

She closed the call with a passive-aggressive apology, cloaked with a reminder that this is a small legal community and we're sure to run in to each other again. Of course we will ... if I stay in town! Please Dear Lord, let me move to Austin where I'm at home in my own skin and do more on the weekends besides sit at home on my couch wishing I had friends to go out with.

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Who Am I, part 2

Who am I? Expand on that answer:
6. A helper of others--I love to help people. It makes me feel good. I don't have much money to donate to charity, but I do have time I can give. I love to teach, instruct, educate, and enlighten.

7. A soul-searcher--I'm not too sure what this means really, but I wrote it down and now I'm stuck with my answer :). Through this book and another, I'm really searching my heart and soul as to what I want to do with my career. I'm looking for my dream job, because I've never been able to answer the question, What do you want to be when you grow up?

8. A job seeker/finder--I have all the confidence that I will land a job. I'm going to have to be aggressive in seeking it out, but I know that there is a job for me waiting in Austin. If I can't find a job, I am preparing myself to be a solo practitioner and I will step out on my own.

9. A Dave Ramsey follower--this one is actually quite important to me. I really feel strongly that a debt-free lifestyle is the best way to live. I can't wait to have my job so that I can start attacking my debt load with intensity and get it paid off in under 3 years. I would like to do it faster, but my debts are significant and I must be realistic in my goals.

10. A friend--I don't have many friends, actually, but I like many people. I try to be a good person, follow the Golden Rule, and treat others in a fair manner. I think people have a good impression of me, and I think my attitude is reflected in R.'s behavior, which is often complimented.

This exercise was interesting. I define myself quite a bit in terms of relationships to others and things I'm doing.

Now, order of importance:
1. A mom
2. A woman
3. A helper of others
4. A friend
5. A girlfriend
6. A lawyer
7. A Dave Ramsey follower
8. A job seeker/finder
9. A soul-searcher
10. A single parent.

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Who am I?

I'm doing this exercise for a career book. The exercise asks three questions 10 times repeated.

Who Am I?
Expand on that answer.
What fires you up about that answer?

Then re-order the answers in a priority list from most important to least important.

I'll answer in parts so that the one blog post is not quite so long.

Who am I?

1. A lawyer
2. A single parent
3. A mom
4. A woman
5. A girlfriend
6. A helper of others
7. A soul-searcher
8. A job-seeker/finder
9. A Dave Ramsey follower
10. A friend

Expand upon those answers.

1. A lawyer--This is my chosen area of study and work. I enjoy it because of the potential to have a positive impact on people's lives.

2. A single parent--Being a single parent is an unfortunate but important descriptor. It is unfortunate because of the stigma that accompanies it. However, it is not as bad as people seem to think. I am only restricted by being a single parent in the realm of work. The working world puts pressures on me that conflict with the demands of parenting.

3. A mom--Being a mom is a huge part of me. I live for my child in a sense. I love to watch her grow, to help her form her character. As she gets older, I like her more and more as a person, and love her more than anything.

4. A woman--This is a hard role. So much is expected of women these days. I like it for the most part, but I have no frame of reference as to what it is like to be a man, so it is difficult to compare roles. I do think that women are the hardest critics of other women. We tear each other down when we should be supporting each other.

5. A girlfriend--I really enjoy this aspect of who I am. P. is great. He has his issues, as do we all, but we get along so well. We don't talk about the future much right now, since we both are facing much uncertainty. Neither of us know where we'll be living next year and the uncertainty has definitely kept our relationship from growing to the next level. Oh well, I'm learning patience.

More to come tomorrow. Night all ...

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Networking begins

I'm beginning the process, finally. I think I've waited too long, should have started 2 years ago. However, I can only begin where I am.

I've started putting out feelers to a couple of attorneys in the Austin-area, plus the obnoxious facebook and linkedin message.

Time to find me a job!

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the better I feel ...

... the less I blog. Interesting.

I've been doing pretty well. Managed to stick to my budget and only overspent by $100. I justified this though because I received a little extra funding and have yet to deposit it. I have three checks that need to go to the bank.

Goal for today -- put money in the bank.

I've been slacking on classes though. My brain is tired, my body is tired, and giving financial advice, albeit sometimes not so good advice, is much more fun than reading for my classes. I think I'm suffering from a little isolation, and am reaching out for people to talk to.

I've settled in my mind that I'm moving back to Austin. I had a great meeting with a former employer for some candid opinions on several topics that I haven't gotten a straight answer on before. Salary ranges, time commitments, and the like. I feel better having a plan in place as far as moving. Now I just have to execute on that plan and find a job. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to prepare myself for solo practice, just in case that is my fate.

So yeah, medicated life is good right now.

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